Well, Pest may get a lot of junk mail, but I'm still getting all the bills around here. This month's phone bill was a particularly unpleasant affair. First off, it's the longest statement I've ever had the misfortune to receive (a small tree gave it's life for this one) -- about twenty pages of charges for long distance calls, each under a minute in length. My immediate thought was that there was some kind of mistake... but I should have known better with Pest around. Let's just say a certain someone has permanently lost his phone priveleges around here...

Addie, you make everything sound a lot worse than it actually is... see, everyone, Addie had been whining and complaining that I wasn't pulling my weight around the apartment (although, honestly, she'd be a miserable, lonely wretch without me around to liven things up), so I sacrificed some of my valuable time and energy in a stoic effort to find an easy a means of revenue.

I needn't have bothered, as the answer came straight to my email inbox. Through the wonder of spam, I soon found out about marvelous opportunities to "work at home," "be my own boss," and even how to "prevent male pattern baldness" (okay, that last one didn't help finances any, but a guy with as much hair as me has to be pretty careful not to lose too much of it). Anyways, I found my calling in the wonderful field of telemarketing, where I displayed an uncanny knack for calling people at the most inopportune times (which my training book says is when they're most likely to buy, buy, buy!). Strangely, most everyone hung up on me before I could even begin to explain the benefits of putting an early downpayment on an attractive and only slightly over-priced grave plot located on barren, disrespected tribal burial grounds. You'd think they'd sell themselves. The Lebanese time-shares were a lot less popular than I would have imagined, too.

Still, I poured my heart and soul into the work, honing my gibes and guilt tactics to a cutting edge. The guy who set me up with the jobs was so impressed that he provided me with additional *ADVANCED* sales materials for an insanely low price... however, he was sent away on fraud charges before he could drop them in the mail. Lucky for him that he was able to charge my card before they got him, as he'll need all the money he can get in his upcoming court case.

After all my hard work, Addie has the indeceny to balk at the paltry phone bill... it takes money to make money, Addie. I was so close to making the big sale I could smell it! Now, with my phone priveleges revoked, you'll never benefit from my potential success...

Pest, you've clearly illustrated that having you working costs more than having you loafing about. Bravo. Thankfully, my mother included a bit more in this month's check due to my upcoming birthday. I guess not having my phone service disconnected counts as "buying myself something special," huh?

Oh! Oh! Addie, I just got another email about working at home that sounds like a sure-fire goldmine. And I quote: "Lonely local single women and men want to talk to you! Earn easy money with your own 900 number!" Addie, they'll call me! How could that possibly end up costing you anything?

I think I should disconnect your email, too...